it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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