she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
