Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
it wasn't lemon gatorade
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
