Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
My feet surprised me
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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