Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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