There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
