I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Your penis caused this!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
