ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
