I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
