Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
