My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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