I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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