cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
