i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
So apparently I’m into choking now
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
