My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize