So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
well, you know. whores of a feather.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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