I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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