What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
