It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
