My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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