Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
