My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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