I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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