My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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