Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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