wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
