I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize