he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
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