I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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