My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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