It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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