Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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