I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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