yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
