So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
