i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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