Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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