eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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