My underwear smells like fireworks.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize