genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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