My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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