She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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