Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
