I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
