I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
