You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
