i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
What drink are we having for lunch?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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