I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
