just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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