We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We have started to decorate penises.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
