nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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