I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
