Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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