sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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