It's a beautiful day for a hangover
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
