I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
