why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
