I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Congratulations! We have a period
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize