Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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