Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
