just tell him i said nine months
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
