Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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