If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
My breath smells like gin and sadness
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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