She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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