why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
