he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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