I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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