I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize