You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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