If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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